Paper Prophets
by weregrrl
Summary: Scorpius Malfoy is an under-appreciated journalist at the Daily Prophet, fabulously outdone every time by Rita Skeeter's mindless gossip columns. When Skeeter calls in sick, what will Malfoy have to do to keep his job? Surely not...interview his roommate's sister? Not when there are real stories to be covered! Rated for implied sexy-times, black eyes, and verbal f-wittery.


_Paper Prophets_

"Lily cut her hair short because it kept getting tangled in tree branches. Lily kissed the squid because she thought he would turn into a prince. Lily never wears the school uniform because it is 'against her belief system'. Lily befriended a satyr whilst on holiday in France. Lily fucking Potter may as well come with a cloud of headlines circling her cranium," Scorpius complained, flinging the paper onto the coffee table, "Why are people interested in this bullshit? I wrote a fucking masterpiece of an article about indentured servants in the magical community, and it was pushed back to page twelve! _Page twelve_! Because some gossip column about Lily Potter is somehow more important than slavery!"

Albus sighed profusely, flipping through his copy of the _Prophet_, "One, that is my sister, so mind your mouth. Two, it's important because it's popular – don't give me that look. And three, she's a celebri-_why is there a picture of my sister skinny dipping in the Thames_?_!_"

"Because she's a celebrity!" Scorpius mocked. His roommate shot him a dirty look from above the daily rag. Scorpius paid him no heed, muttering under his breath, "Might as well jinx her so we can get up to the minute news about the next shit she takes."

"She already has twitter," Albus supplied, "and Instagram. And a Facebook page, although Merlin knows why. I haven't seen anyone use Facebook in years."

The blond growled.

"That isn't the point, Albus!" he cried, overdramatizing, as usual, "I work my sodding arse off for the _Prophet_, and that _hack_ Skeeter gets all the damn glory! Do you know how that feels?"

"No, Scorpius. I wouldn't know anything about living in the shadow of someone else. Not like my father is Harry Potter, and my sister is the lead singer of the _Starsigns_, or anything," Albus replied, refraining from rolling his eyes only because the article about werewolf equality had peaked his interest. Apparently, the anti-creature activists had started another riot in Surrey. Several suspects were being questioned at that very moment about the storage of some highly illegal bomb ingredients. Scorpius, however, wasn't willing to go down without a fight.

"That's not the same!' he protested, "This is like..."

"Like you being late for work, again?" Albus supplied, taking a sip of boiling tea from his mug, "It's ten past."

His roommate jumped from the couch in a sudden burst of energy.

"Why didn't you remind me?" he screamed from the other side of the house. Albus took another sip, before placing the mug neatly on the table in front of him.

"I just did."

* * *

Lily was having a particularly bad week. Her internship at the reservation had turned sour pretty fast. Within the past seven days, a flit of manic pixies managed to hack off her precious hair, a baby dragon burned her text books to kindling, and some satyr called Felix kept feeling her up, and calling her 'mon cher' (which, upon closer inspection, was utterly ridiculous. Felix was an American transfer). Not to mention the dryad who had stolen her last Gryffindor tie! Those damn things never lasted long, and they were _expensive_. Her dad went mental over it (so, she may go through uniforms a _tad _faster than other students. So what?). Oh, _and_ on her first day back at Hogwarts, the squid nearly drowned her. _Twice._ Hoo-fucking-ray for being Lily Potter. All she wanted was a damn break from the band, so she could work on becoming a creature doctor. But apparently, noble sentiments, and a year's worth of planning meant absolutely nothing to the Fates. She had failed miserably at her placement in the Camargue wetlands; that much was certain. Not even Charlie would take her on now, and he was desperately short of handlers – or _Crazy People With a Death Wish_, as James had so eloquently put it.

Huffing, Lily finished making her way towards an empty first floor classroom. 4A. Apparently, some 'reputable' journalist had asked for an interview with the _Starsigns'_ 'main attraction'. It was a stab in the dark, but something told her that '_reputable'_ was Professor Longbottom's super-suave way of saying 'blonde, giggly, and utterly classless'. Also known as _Rita Skeeter_. And so, in spite of her better judgement, Lily had agreed to meet the hag – to pick a bone with her.

_Lily Potter does not skinny dip in major rivers!_

* * *

"I'm sorry. What?" Scorpius asked for the third time. It was starting to get on his superior's nerves, if Tweedlebee was being completely honest. And he was always honest.

"_Malfoy_," he ground out, tugging on his tweed coat like he had an itch, "I've told you already. Skeeter called in sick this morning. Something about pixies and some Felix chap. I don't really care. I just need you to listen to me. And what I'm saying is that _you_," he gestured to the blond, "need to play Goldilocks' part today, and record that interview with the Potter kid."

Scorpius didn't even bother trying to not look affronted by the suggestion.

"Potter?" he hissed, "But why? Because Skeeter went and pissed it up last night? What's that got to do with me?"

"Your job is what it's got to do with you," Tweedlebee stated, face blank. Sometimes he really wished he had stayed in retail. Less entitlement to deal with; less _dissent_. Scorpius, however, was having none of it.

"I am the Malfoy heir!" he shouted, "Do you think I care about this insignificant little job? Do you think I need it?! I make more money in my _sleep_ than the rest of this office does in a year. Combined!"

Tweedlebee furrowed his brow. So that was how it was going to be.

"News is, there's a werewolf rebellion building. You get me the Potter interview, I'll give you the story. _First page_," he added before his protege could argue further. Scorpius considered the deal. Or, rather, he put on a real show of considering it.

"I think something can be arranged," he admitted grimly.

"I thought you would say that," Tweedlebee replied, completely unfazed as the young reporter disapparated in front of his eyes. The man chuckled.

"Bloody only department that would hire him..." he muttered, turning away, "More money in his sleep, my sweet hippogriff!"

* * *

"Listen here you nasty piece of work!" Lily bit out as she stormed into the classroom, "I have something to say to you, and you'd better be taking notes on it."

She risked a precursory glance over at Blonde, Giggly, and Utterly Classless, focusing only long enough to register 'blonde', "And by 'taking notes', I mean _manually_. I don't want you using that _disgusting_ quill to twist my words or actions anymore. Do you hear me?"

Lily twisted around to face her enemy head on, unsatisfied by the lack of a reply.

"Are you even liste-"

Lily stumbled back slightly at the sight that met her eyes.

"Oh," she whispered, "Um...sorry?"

* * *

"Morning Scorpius," Albus greeted, striding sharply through the lounge, "Morning Lily."

Scorpius mumbled out a reply that was mostly swallowed up by the cushion in his face. Lily however, managed to raise her hand in greeting. Quite a large accomplishment, considering the hour. Albus smirked.

"Did you finally manage to talk Tweedlebee into giving you a 'real story'?" he mocked.

Scorpius came out of the cushion frowning.

"Oh, shut it," he said, "And yes, actually. I'm writing an article for the front page. Werewolf rights."

Albus managed to look impressed.

"That's pretty good," he admitted, "Who'd you have to shag to-_why is my sister here?_"

Scorpius snickered.

"I'm on a creative hiatus!" Lily muttered from within her pillow fort, "I'm not speaking to anyone about it, except friends, family members, and _**ardent fans**_!"

"I'm your brother!" Albus exclaimed.

Lily rose from her warm pile of blankets, "Not today, you're not! And if you keep asking about it, I'll give you a black eye. Just ask Scorpius... Prick..."

Albus, whilst horrified, eyed his roommate for any sane explanation (and to see if he actually had a black eye. Answer: yes, he did). The Malfoy heir shrugged, "She's completely out of it. We were up all night."

"_Why?_" Albus whined. Scorpius blinked in faux confusion.

"Isn't it obvious?" he asked, "I was interviewing her."

"Making headlines!" Lily shouted suddenly, rolling over and giggling.

"Malfoy!"

* * *

By the time Albus' tea finished brewing, Lily had already fallen back into a slumber, Scorpius was sporting _two _black eyes, and a miniscule owl had appeared on their windowsill, hooting impatiently. Fed up with waiting, it dropped its slim package and flew away. A scrap of parchment floated out of the parcel, spiked handwriting haphazardly scrawled across it.

_Dear Lily._

it read,  
_  
Congratulations on your return to Scotland! I was sent to announce your score in person, but I'm afraid I found you missing. In any case, you were rated quite highly by the residents of the reservation! Please find enclosed your missing hair. The pixies wanted to surprise you with plaited wellness charms, but you know by now how they can sometimes go...a tad overboard._

_Love,_

_Felix._

_(P.S. I should probably mention that you have a stalker. Or had a stalker. I took care of them for you, mon cher. xx)_

* * *

"Look, Al," Scorpius reasoned, "You really don't understand-"

"I think I understand well enough," Albus lashed back from across the table. It was now late in the day, and his sister had been called back to Hogwarts. _Thank Merlin_.

"No," Scorpius sighed, "You think you do, but you don't."

Albus remained silent.

"If it will make you feel better, you're not really in the same club as me," Scorpius offered his roommate. This seemed to get his attention.

"What do you mean?" he asked cautiously. Scorpius smiled.

"Well, Lily actually punched you in the face," he explained, grinning, "whereas she kneed me when I-"

"One more word," Albus interrupted, "and you will not have a mouth to talk with."

"But that wasn't what I was using it for."

"I'm calling my father."

* * *

**A/N: It was LATE! You can't hold it against me! Haha! As always, I hope you have enjoyed this little fic. I had fun writing it. **

**Love,**

**Lucy~!**


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